 This Mom-ism was almost as regular as her apple pies. I loved my Mom’s apple pies; all that cinnamon and crust made with lard! And I have another memory of her: when she would admonish my sister and me the moment we would start talking unkindly about a neighbor or schoolmate. “If you can’t say something nice, then don’t say anything at all!” That would always shut us up fast. It’s too bad she couldn’t have been on my last business trip – maybe she could have put stop to all the trashing and bashing that was taking place. I began to notice it while working out in the hotel gym. A woman next to me was high-stepping on an elliptical machine and at the same time trashing and bashing her colleagues to someone on her cell phone. At first I was annoyed at the incessant talking – then I began to notice the tone and content. “She’s nothing but trouble. I’m so tired of her expressing her opinions.” After 30 minutes of this continuous trashing I wanted to start singing “Jingle Bells” as loudly as I could in hopes that she would get the point and quit her conversation. After 40 minutes, I simply gave up and left. Had my Mom been there, she would have put her hand up, motioned to the women to stop, and reminded her, “If you can’t say something nice, then don’t say anything at all.” The next morning while waiting for my 6 am flight I was sitting a few seats away from two copy machine salesmen who were trashing and bashing a customer for wanting too much information and not being able to make up his mind. I could not wait to get on the plane and escape this early morning negative stuff. I’m addicted to caffeine in the morning, but these guys seemed to need a good dose of negativity to get them going. At that point I thought I had escaped the negative white noise. After being upgraded to first class I had visions of reading for a few moments and then retreating into my introverted space until I arrived at my next stop. That bubble burst when two gentlemen behind me felt the need to discuss their perfections and the imperfections and inferiority of their boss and company. I couldn’t help but wonder where my Mom was then. I won’t continue this saga, but I will let you know that it followed me all the way home, which caused me to reflect. Am I this negative and just don’t notice it? Do I live by Mom’s words? Why do we dwell and focus on negativity, weaknesses and mistakes? Are we even conscious of this focus or has it simply become human nature? And there was one more question that really bothered me: have we lost all boundaries of what should be public and private discourse as well as a sense of place and time for these discussions? Has reality TV, YouTube and social networking so blurred the lines of what is personal and professional and private and public that we now accept and treat public space as a stage on which to share how much better we are than all those other people with whom we live and work? It occurred to me that American businesses must be suffering through a crisis of incompetence. If all the people being bashed are as inept as their antagonists claimed, our economy is surely in for another shock. I sensed that the people who were trashing and bashing got a boost of self-esteem from it yet were oblivious to the implications their behavior made about their own character and trustworthiness. Maybe the need to belong is so overwhelming these days that most of us would rather make disparaging remarks about others than take a stand and be heroic and positive. Frankly, we see this in bullying. In most bullying situations you have a “bully,” a victim, and the bully’s cohorts who stand by allowing the trashing and bashing but not actively participating, giving the perception of passive support. The fear of being ostracized has seemingly replaced our primal fear of Saber Tooth Tigers out looking to make a snack of us. A common theme that ran through all of the conversations was self-interest and self-promotion. Had the salesmen taken the time to understand why their client was reluctant to buy their product, they might have had a more fruitful and hopeful meeting. If the woman on the elliptical trainer could step out of her fear of not belonging and frame the other woman’s behavior as being concerned, curious and wanting clarity, she might have an appreciation for her rather than an annoyance with her. And if the two perfect beings unable to find one positive trait in their boss and organization could reflect on the fact that both were selected and still employed by these inferior beings, they might, just might, find a way to be thankful and contribute to finding solutions to their complaints. One reason for these actions, based on human behavior and biology, jumps out at me: stress. There’s little doubt that the past decade has been stressful and the current economic and political climate continues to foment increasing high levels of stress and create we vs. they worldviews. By allowing ourselves to be overwhelmed with this stress, our natural focus is on survival. We may even picture ourselves on a metaphorical Survivor Island, so we plot, connive, lie, and trash and bash our way to being the survivor. What we lose in the process is exactly what we want and need: respect, belongingness, self-worth, and a network of friends and colleagues willing to stand by us and offer assistance. The answer to putting a stop to and reversing this destructive behavior could be as simple as my Mom says: “If you can’t say something nice, then don’t say anything at all.” I don’t mean to make light of this, because it does concern me and it should concern you for no other reason than the realization that the probability that someone is at this moment trashing and bashing you and your organization is greater than you think. Trashing and bashing behavior is a cancer for teams and organizational performance and although our reptile brain says, “Attach or be eaten,” our chances for survival are actually increased by our ability and willingness to care for one other. There are tools and concepts to help individuals and organizations learn how to stop and reverse this negative approach that is taking over and begin to reap the benefits of caring, focusing on strengths and transforming perceived weaknesses and problems into solutions:
To break the habit of trashing and bashing is hard work. The easy path is to find fault and focus on weaknesses instead of courageously finding the strengths in people and the opportunity and potential in difficult situations. It’s easy to jump on the negative bandwagon. But be careful – from what I see, it is already full. Take a different path and resist veering off into the negative – take a few moments and ask yourself, “Is this what I want and how I want to be seen and remembered?” Could you rest in peace with an epitaph that read, “Always ready with a disparaging word and never missed an opportunity to trash and bash even his best friends”? None of us want to be seen or remembered for this destructive and bullying behavior. And it’s time for us to make a commitment to not participate in it actively of passively in either our personal or professional lives. There are many options that we can employ and they all begin with a decision to take a stand. In the end, you will appreciate yourself more for it and find that you have less stress and that people will enjoy and benefit from having a relationship with you. 1 Comment  "Success means having the courage, the determination, and the will to become the person you believe you were meant to be." George Sheehan, MD The preceding quote from George Sheehan MD, a person who inspired me, and thousands of other runners, to achieve our best, also planted the seed that maybe if I trained hard enough I could qualify for the Boston Marathon. I still can feel the exhilaration on seeing the finishing clock as I crossed the line at the Marine Corps Marathon; I knew I had qualified for the 1982 Boston Marathon. I was beyond excited; Boston was the pinnacle of marathons in the 60’s thru the 80’s and I had achieved the right to be at the starting line with number 3451. My emotions were about to intensify even more; approximately a mile into the marathon I noticed Sheehan just ahead of me. I had no doubt that it was him: I had seen him run in a number of films and read his book, Running and Being, all of which had motivated me to start running. Sheehan’s running style was unique, but his breathing style was unmistakable. Huff and puff is a mild description of the steam engine locomotive sound he made as he ran. My recollection is that he was in his 70’s and I was 35 and I was soon to pass him. I thought for a moment, should I say something to him as I pass? When I pulled along side, I looked over and he looked back. I said, “Dr. Sheehan thank you, if it were not for you I would not be here today.” He smiled and wished me the best. I felt blessed by a sage who had been to the top of Mt. Olympus, and for a fleeting moment I thought I might just win this race! However, Alberto Salazar had other plans and a stronger finishing kick, beating me by a mere 52 minutes! Alberto broke a record that day, and I finished. He was determined and courageous and beat a rival by a mere 2 seconds, but he was no more determined and courageous than 5,000 thousand other runners that day, including yours truly. I also remember the day before the race. I was having breakfast at the hotel with a best friend and we started up a conversation with a guy sitting next to us. He said he lived for marathon day. He went on to say that 363 days of the year he’s a mailman, but on this one day he feels special, successful and the crowds treated him, as they do all the runners, as a hero. Isn’t this at the heart of George’s wisdom? “Success in life is the determination and courage to be whom you are meant to be.” In the mailman’s case it meant not only to be a marathon runner on this one day of the year, but to be a man who delivers birthday cards to other people’s three-year-old grandkids in every condition nature can throw at him. George Sheehan was a cardiologist. No doubt he repaired and saved many hearts. But George was meant to be a teacher; not the kind of teacher who stuffs you full of information, but in the true sense of the Latin word educere, he was able to bring forth the best in you. In his role as teacher, philosopher and runner he opened and touched the hearts and minds of thousands and helped to prevent the very disease he was trained to treat. I started running about the same time I assumed my first CEO position. I wasn’t sure if I was meant to be a leader and I knew I was never going to be a professional runner. However, running helped me discover what kind of leader I was meant to be. Running helped me experience a deeper and more intense level of determination and how to summon the courage to push through adversity and complete the goals I had set for myself. I also learned that there were aspects of leading that I was just not going to be good at. What I came to understand is that, like George, I was meant to be a leader who enjoyed creating organizations where Educere became the operating philosophy. Much later I learned that my core strengths include a love of learning, creativity and curiosity, which affirmed why I felt most comfortable, passionate and challenged in pursuing this brand and embracing this particular style of leadership. DeWitt Jones, in his film, Celebrate What’s Right With the World, offers a similar message and worldview. Finding out who you are and being able to see and celebrate abundance is a formula not just for success but also for significance. So don’t burden yourself with what you are not – Celebrate What’s Right For You. Celebrate the leader you are meant to be. When you do this, the people you serve will thrive also. Tips to “Being” a Successful Leader: Have an open and flexible mind: Rekindle the curiosity and drive you had as a child to explore, understand and learn. Become intimately connected with your strengths, and celebrate them by using them as often as you can. (See Resource below) Let others contribute their strengths; a team is the sum of its individual strengths and so is a leader. Celebrate, Celebrate, Celebrate: We devote an enormous amount of time and energy to dissecting our weaknesses and failures, and so little time celebrating what’s right. Don’t let yourself get stuck in a rut: Every day, find something that gives you relief, fun, health and inspiration. Run, paint, write, sing, play music, dance, read non-fiction, play with your kids like you are one of them. Resource: Log on to the Authentic Happiness Web Site and register to take the VIA Survey of Character Strengths | Follow us
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