 This Mom-ism was almost as regular as her apple pies. I loved my Mom’s apple pies; all that cinnamon and crust made with lard! And I have another memory of her: when she would admonish my sister and me the moment we would start talking unkindly about a neighbor or schoolmate. “If you can’t say something nice, then don’t say anything at all!” That would always shut us up fast. It’s too bad she couldn’t have been on my last business trip – maybe she could have put stop to all the trashing and bashing that was taking place. I began to notice it while working out in the hotel gym. A woman next to me was high-stepping on an elliptical machine and at the same time trashing and bashing her colleagues to someone on her cell phone. At first I was annoyed at the incessant talking – then I began to notice the tone and content. “She’s nothing but trouble. I’m so tired of her expressing her opinions.” After 30 minutes of this continuous trashing I wanted to start singing “Jingle Bells” as loudly as I could in hopes that she would get the point and quit her conversation. After 40 minutes, I simply gave up and left. Had my Mom been there, she would have put her hand up, motioned to the women to stop, and reminded her, “If you can’t say something nice, then don’t say anything at all.” The next morning while waiting for my 6 am flight I was sitting a few seats away from two copy machine salesmen who were trashing and bashing a customer for wanting too much information and not being able to make up his mind. I could not wait to get on the plane and escape this early morning negative stuff. I’m addicted to caffeine in the morning, but these guys seemed to need a good dose of negativity to get them going. At that point I thought I had escaped the negative white noise. After being upgraded to first class I had visions of reading for a few moments and then retreating into my introverted space until I arrived at my next stop. That bubble burst when two gentlemen behind me felt the need to discuss their perfections and the imperfections and inferiority of their boss and company. I couldn’t help but wonder where my Mom was then. I won’t continue this saga, but I will let you know that it followed me all the way home, which caused me to reflect. Am I this negative and just don’t notice it? Do I live by Mom’s words? Why do we dwell and focus on negativity, weaknesses and mistakes? Are we even conscious of this focus or has it simply become human nature? And there was one more question that really bothered me: have we lost all boundaries of what should be public and private discourse as well as a sense of place and time for these discussions? Has reality TV, YouTube and social networking so blurred the lines of what is personal and professional and private and public that we now accept and treat public space as a stage on which to share how much better we are than all those other people with whom we live and work? It occurred to me that American businesses must be suffering through a crisis of incompetence. If all the people being bashed are as inept as their antagonists claimed, our economy is surely in for another shock. I sensed that the people who were trashing and bashing got a boost of self-esteem from it yet were oblivious to the implications their behavior made about their own character and trustworthiness. Maybe the need to belong is so overwhelming these days that most of us would rather make disparaging remarks about others than take a stand and be heroic and positive. Frankly, we see this in bullying. In most bullying situations you have a “bully,” a victim, and the bully’s cohorts who stand by allowing the trashing and bashing but not actively participating, giving the perception of passive support. The fear of being ostracized has seemingly replaced our primal fear of Saber Tooth Tigers out looking to make a snack of us. A common theme that ran through all of the conversations was self-interest and self-promotion. Had the salesmen taken the time to understand why their client was reluctant to buy their product, they might have had a more fruitful and hopeful meeting. If the woman on the elliptical trainer could step out of her fear of not belonging and frame the other woman’s behavior as being concerned, curious and wanting clarity, she might have an appreciation for her rather than an annoyance with her. And if the two perfect beings unable to find one positive trait in their boss and organization could reflect on the fact that both were selected and still employed by these inferior beings, they might, just might, find a way to be thankful and contribute to finding solutions to their complaints. One reason for these actions, based on human behavior and biology, jumps out at me: stress. There’s little doubt that the past decade has been stressful and the current economic and political climate continues to foment increasing high levels of stress and create we vs. they worldviews. By allowing ourselves to be overwhelmed with this stress, our natural focus is on survival. We may even picture ourselves on a metaphorical Survivor Island, so we plot, connive, lie, and trash and bash our way to being the survivor. What we lose in the process is exactly what we want and need: respect, belongingness, self-worth, and a network of friends and colleagues willing to stand by us and offer assistance. The answer to putting a stop to and reversing this destructive behavior could be as simple as my Mom says: “If you can’t say something nice, then don’t say anything at all.” I don’t mean to make light of this, because it does concern me and it should concern you for no other reason than the realization that the probability that someone is at this moment trashing and bashing you and your organization is greater than you think. Trashing and bashing behavior is a cancer for teams and organizational performance and although our reptile brain says, “Attach or be eaten,” our chances for survival are actually increased by our ability and willingness to care for one other. There are tools and concepts to help individuals and organizations learn how to stop and reverse this negative approach that is taking over and begin to reap the benefits of caring, focusing on strengths and transforming perceived weaknesses and problems into solutions:
To break the habit of trashing and bashing is hard work. The easy path is to find fault and focus on weaknesses instead of courageously finding the strengths in people and the opportunity and potential in difficult situations. It’s easy to jump on the negative bandwagon. But be careful – from what I see, it is already full. Take a different path and resist veering off into the negative – take a few moments and ask yourself, “Is this what I want and how I want to be seen and remembered?” Could you rest in peace with an epitaph that read, “Always ready with a disparaging word and never missed an opportunity to trash and bash even his best friends”? None of us want to be seen or remembered for this destructive and bullying behavior. And it’s time for us to make a commitment to not participate in it actively of passively in either our personal or professional lives. There are many options that we can employ and they all begin with a decision to take a stand. In the end, you will appreciate yourself more for it and find that you have less stress and that people will enjoy and benefit from having a relationship with you. 1 Comment Seven Rituals That Will Change Your Life 11/30/2010
 The Seven Rituals of Renewal ™ are behavior choices that will change your life, and by incorporating these Rituals into your day you will notice a decrease in your stress level, which will give you more energy, focus, and a positive outlook. You might be saying to yourself, “I’m already to busy; I can’t fit one more thing into my day!” Well, what’s the alternative? Is it to continue your day of “hurry and worry” and eventually wear yourself down to the point where you don’t have the physical, mental and emotional energy to enjoy life! Recent studies indicate that most people waste about 2.9 hours a day. The healthy and resilient alternative to “hurry and worry” is to build a practice of these Seven Rituals. There is one practice for each letter of the word renewal, and the beauty of this practice is that all seven will take about 60 minutes, which you can schedule throughout the day, and still have 1.9 hours to waste! The Alchemy of the Seven Rituals of Renewal is that each one has the capacity to have a positive affect on your body chemistry, which in turn has a beneficial impact on your mental, emotional and physical being. When you practice the A of Appreciation you will stimulate the production of a hormone called oxytocin, which has a mitigating effect on the stress hormones, particularly cortisol. Oxytocin can reduce hyper-vigilance, which cortisol is responsible for, and give you a sense of calmness. Seven Rituals of Renewal™ R: Take 10-15 minutes each day to Reflect. No special topic or requirements other than to turn off all electronic gear, sit quite without any interruptions. Take yourself off the grid; be quite and reflect. E: Get some Exercise everyday. This doesn’t have to be at a fitness center; just do something that gets your body moving e.g. park your car a distance form your office, take a short walk during lunch, or take the stairs instead of the elevator. 10 minutes is great. This is not a weight reduction and muscle building routine; its about getting oxygen into you body and brain. N: Select and eat one thing that is Nutritious everyday; select a piece of fruit or unsalted almonds instead of chips or candy. You’ll feel good about your decision and they’re good for you! Many people report that they don’t eat breakfast or take lunch; use this ritual as a healthy snack in the morning or mid-afternoon. E: Engage with someone you love every day. It’s best face to face, but phone or one of those video phone services will suffice occasionally; make sure the engagement is about the love not about a TV program. Call a child or grandchild; your goal is to feel the love! Once again take yourself off the grid. W: Take time to experience some Wackiness in you day. Find something that will give you a good round of laughter, the more the better. It’s not as hard as you might think. Just think about laughing and you might crack a smile and begin to laugh. You actually may find yourself laughing about nothing and enjoying it! However, the absolute best is whenever you are in the company of young kids and they start laughing about something goofy, just let yourself enjoy and join in! A: Spend a moment in Appreciation. Think about all that you have to appreciate. Each day find something in your life that deserves your appreciation. I know, when we’re stressed we only notice what’s stressing us, and that’s exactly why you need to stop and appreciate that you have oxygen to breathe! L: is for Letting Go. It’s amazing how much negative stuff we acquire from the time we get up in the morning to the time we retire. Anger, regrets, disappointments are just a few. Forgive, forget and move-on. There are so many more important things to use our limited energy on. There is a saying, “It’s not worth sticky palettes!” You know, the things in our blood that get thick and stick together when were stressed. The amazing thing about each of these rituals is that each one has the power to change your entire being and when you incorporate al seven on daily basis they can change your life. The decision is yours, continue the hurry – worry game and reduce your health, effectiveness and joy in work and life or start right now to practice the Seven Rituals of Renewal™ and experience the best of you. The Renewal Group can assist you in changing your life with our four one-hour Seven Rituals of Renewal coaching program. Our commitment and belief is that this program will improve your well-being, and continued daily practice will have a significant benefit to your health and satisfaction with life and work. Stress Alert Elevated To RED! 11/30/2010
 Stress is a form of terrorism that infiltrates and attacks our hearts and minds and the effectiveness of our organizations. It’s an assassin waiting to strike at our Resiliency. Unfortunately the full significance and seriousness of stress is misunderstood and under valued. We use the word indiscriminately, and can’t seem to connect the dots. We stress equally over the inconvenience of a hangnail, and the fear of a global financial meltdown. And like the terror attacks we can’t seem to connect the dots until we suffer a major setback, such as a heart attack. As our lives have become increasing complicated, our ability to assign an appropriate level of threat to a stressor has decreased, leaving us increasingly vulnerable. Since it’s inception the Advisory Threat System has been at yellow and above, and our lives and organizations have been in lock step with the system. We cannot solve the issues of Homeland Security, although it might be healthy for our country to be continuously at yellow or above, it is not sustainable to live our lives’ at an elevated level of stress. If we consciously and or unconsciously continue to live at yellow or above we have become our worst fears – we are the terrorists. Stress is a Disease: We cannot rid our lives and organizations of stress; in fact, we need certain levels of stress to be productive. We need to educate ourselves about the different types of stress, acute and chronic, and learn ways of managing both types to prevent our lives and organizations from becoming drained of vitality, creativity, and the resiliency required to be effective and successful in these stressful times. Stress is a bio-psycho-social-spiritual disease that is a major contributing factor to increased healthcare utilization and costs, illness and disease and lost productivity: personally, professionally, organizationally and nationally. The following points highlight the enormity of the problem and its costs: * Princeton Survey Research study, three-quarters of employees believe that there is more on-the-job stress than a generation ago. * A Northwestern National Life study found that one in four employees viewed their jobs as the No. 1 source of stress in their lives. * Gallup reports 80 percent of employees suffer from job stress with nearly 40 percent reporting that they need help in managing their stress. * Job stress costs American businesses hundreds of billions of dollars a year in employee burnout, turnover, higher absenteeism, lower production and increased health care costs. * The American Psychological Association estimates that 60 percent of all absences are due to stress-related issues, costing U.S. companies more than $57 billion a year. * Heart disease is the second largest killer next to cancer. It is estimated that some 80 million Americans exhibit some of the symptoms that will lead to heart disease. The six contributing factors to heart disease are Diet, Exercise, Stress/Sleep, Lifestyle and The Environment. A recent study found that women with stressful jobs have a 40% higher risk of major coronary problems than women with less job strain. Our current worrisome and stressful social and economic climate is compounding the risks to our health and performance; just worrying about losing a job can increase your coronary risks. These findings should be a call to raise the national Stress Threat Level to RED; alerting leaders to the dangers stress poses to their ability to reduce costs, increase productivity, and remain competitive. A stressful organizational climate is a petri dish for breeding illness, accidents, disengaged employees, inferior customer service, and unproductive team and organizational behavior. And like many infectious diseases it is pervasive and has no boundaries. It is a factor in poor school performance, abusive and violent behavior, and relationship discord. Stress and the Brain: The Amydala is our 911 Call Center Stress is personal. How one interprets a situation, will determine how they feel and how they react; yet, our brains stress response mechanism is basically identical. The paradox of stress is that the parts of our brain responsible for igniting the stress response, by releasing the stress hormones adrenalin and cortisol, and driving emotions such as fear, the amydalae, think they are doing us a service! And when we need to take immediate action to avoid a threat it does; however, there is a down side. Our brain’s stress response mechanism is designed to handle acute stress. These stressors are usually perceived as immediate threats to our physical, psychological, and emotional well-being, and they are time limited. An example of an acute stressor is what you might experience when an 18-wheeler wants your lane, and doesn’t ask for permission to take it – Stress Level RED! If you’ve been in this situation or can imagine it, you may have noticed an increase in your heart rate, and a few other physical and emotional changes; the critical factor is that it provides you with the focus, energy, and ability to immediately blow your horn, and move into the breakdown lane. This almost instantaneous response, sometimes referred to as Hijacking, allowed you to survive this threat! Within a few minutes your body begins to return to “normal”, but your eyes and ears stay finely attuned to all the other 18-wheeler threats still on the road. When you encounter the next 18-wheeler you may notice a bit of tension until you are safely back into your lane. Your amydalae will remain hyper-vigilant (Level Yellow) scanning for all additional potential threats, as well as retain this stressful incident for future reference. And this is the problem – we remain on hyper-vigilant mode. We are constantly at threat levels yellow, orange, or red, which cause us to exaggerate every other stressor we encounter. In stressful work climates, employees are on constant alert, which reduces their creativity, increases tension, frustration and fatigue - adding a negative overlay to all situations, which increases the chances of numerous Amygdala Hijackings. In today’s uncertain and turbulent times we are experiencing numerous acute stressors, “My computer won’t boot as fast as I want it to.” compounded and complicated with chronic stress. The difference is that chronic stress is stress we experience over a prolonged period, and our perception is that we have minimal or no control over it, e.g. an unsatisfactory job or a stressful work climate. Chronic Stress creates a constant level of strain, which has an eroding and corroding effect on our well-being and performance. This is double trouble; the combination of chronic and acute stress reduces and constricts our personal, professional and organizational health and effectiveness. Stop Acute Stressors from becoming Chronic: In most cases an acute stressor will come to an end. Remaining optimistic and keeping things in perspective helps acute stressors dissipate and end in a timely manner. Be cautious not to convert an acute stressor into a chronic stressor. Here’s an example. During a meeting you perceive a colleague’s comments about a proposal you have made to be inappropriately sarcastic. You react rudely, you’re short and dismissive – maybe you even yell at the person. This exchange sets off the stress response in both of you. Hopefully, sooner than later, you recognize that you were Hijacked and your behavior was not productive for the relationship and the team. By offering an authentic apology for your reaction, you can begin to lower the threat level from yellow to blue or green, and bring the stressful situation to a conclusion. If you keep the threat level at yellow or above, you and your colleague may carry this stressful baggage into every other situation increasing the chances that another reaction will occur. What should have been an acute stressor can linger and turn into a chronic negative relationship, which doesn’t serve either of you well.This is not unusual, most people have stories similar to this situation, and it frequently happens when people carry stress home with them and respond to a loved one with their pent up stress from the workday. Commit to Address your Chronic Stress: Chronic stressors require more thought and effort to deal with. If you’re in a job or relationship that is not meeting your expectations, it’s very hard to just quit and move on. You may need the job for income and health insurance. And although the relationship has features that are not meeting your needs, there may be many aspects that are. In both cases take time to reflect on want you want and then take action that provides you with a sense of moving towards a resolution. Take small steps and focus on aspects that you have control over. By taking small steps towards a resolution you will reduce your stress, feel more hopeful and will benefit from an increase in energy to address the problem more fully. In the job scenario you can start looking for another job or explore how you may move within your organization to another position that better meets your interests and strengths. In both situations outside assistance or counseling from a friend, mentor or professional can help you find perspective and suggest a process that will help to move the job and the relationship situations in a positive direction. Three Steps that are helpful in Addressing Chronic Stress: * Take time to reflect on the situation. What is it that you want? Be as clear as possible. * Ask yourself, “What am I contributing to the situation?” and commit to changing your behavior first. * Most Chronic stressors require a process of taking small steps. Identify pro-active, positive steps that you can take. Be patient, but be active in the process of moving in the direction of a resolution. If you chose not to address your personal and organizational chronic and acute stress you are risking your health, performance and satisfaction with work and life. Most of all, you are eroding your resiliency at a time when everyone needs his or her resiliency to be at its peak. However, the dangers of untreated stress are far more significant than one might realize. Stress s a symptom and a transmission factor to a communicable disease that is preventing individuals and organizations from achieving their highest potential; we call it Chronic Human Wasting Disease™. CHMW is an infectious disease that strikes at the heart of individual, team and organizational performance. It subverts and steals the essence of human and organizational effectiveness and success – intrinsic motivation and potential. If CHWD is not treated, it will eventually destroy what you need and value most, your human resources and their potential. The Renewal Group is your source for preventing and treating the causes and consequences of stress, which is one important step in preventing Chronic Human Wasting Disease™. If you believe that people are your most important asset, and if you are committed to achieving a healthy and effective organization where people thrive and their potential and performance flourishes contact us for a consultation. The Alchemy of Oxytocin 06/30/2010
 Can Oxytocin help you be a more influential leader and a higher performing Organization? Yes it can, but lets be clear, we are discussing a naturally occurring hormone, not the pain-killing drug Oxycontin! And for those of you who have been in my workshops, you know that I’m an advocate for relationship –centered approaches to leadership for a number of important reasons; one is that these approaches mix oxytocin into the equation. My point of reference on oxytocin is Paul Zak, a neuroeconomist, who has conducted fascinating research on the affects and impact of oxytocin on human relationships and how relationships impact organizations, economies and countries. We know that oxytocin is the hormone responsible for human’s experiencing appreciation, empathy, generosity and other feelings that help to build strong bonds between human beings. Most of all, it is the substance that contributes to building trust. Here are a few points from the research that demonstrate the power of oxytocin: · In studies where people’s oxytocin is stimulated they become significantly more generous, even with their own money. Zak’s studies indicate that oxytocin infused people donated 48% more to charitable organizations than the placebo group. · Increased levels of oxytocin decrease the stress hormones cortisol and ACTH. Is stress having a negative affect on you or your workforce? Why not implement oxytocin stimulating initiatives to counter the effects. · Countries with higher levels of trust have higher income levels, more stable governments and increased economic activity. Could this finding also apply to an organization? Why not invest in educating leaders in your organization on how to be oxytocin catalysts. · People with developed social networks are sick less often and live longer. Connecting with people and maintaining positive relationships is an oxytocin function. Do lost workdays impact your organizations performance and costs? Why not let oxytocin help you reduce both. By connecting the dots you can begin to see how oxytocin can help anyone be more influential and productive: parents, teachers, doctors, politicians and leaders, as well as organizations. Here’s an example: Train supervisors to recognize the signs and symptoms of stress and ways they can reduce stress in the work place by focusing on oxytocin-increasing initiatives? The ROI’s could be significant. Here are just a few: · A safer environment – less accidents · Employees willing to give more of their discretionary effort · Higher levels of creativity and innovation · Fewer work absences · More loyalty and commitment · Less resistance to change · Healthier employees In the July/August issue of Fast Company Magazine Paul Zak’s work is featured in an article entitled, Doctor Love, . In the article there are a few provocative statements that merit serious consideration: “One day, a company might be better off asking not what its margins are, but what its trust factor is.” Brian Singh, Zinc Research “The speed with which social media can affect a company’s “trust factor” may lead to a new focus - a focus on your current customers. If they have a positive interaction with customer service, or love your product, they’ll tell other people and do your marketing for you, which will attract new customers.” Richard Laermer, RLM Public Relations. And finally the reporter, Adam Penenberg concludes, “In a world of social networks, then, this much seems clear: Companies that can connect with us and raise our oxytocin levels should prosper. Those that can’t won’t.” In conclusion, ozytocin can help you be a more effective and influential person, parent and leader. By developing your authentic relationship – centered approaches to your people interactions, you will be using the alchemy of oxytocin to assist you in building higher levels of trust, appreciation, generosity and engagement – all the things that make life and work worth participating in. You can begin to use the power of oxytocin today: Active Appreciation | Follow us
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